What I am Learning

Here’s some things I am learning since school started (homeschool and regular school 😂).

First of all, I knew that homeschool would mean that I would have to cast off a bit of the sin of laziness, and that has very much been true. I find it difficult to balance “doing” with “resting,” and sometimes I swing too far into one way or the other. My personality often leans right in the middle of Type A or Type B, and I don’t know if it is because I am more of chameleon than my own self or if that’s just me. Sometimes, I feel like an unintentional copycat – thus, the chameleon effect. As a child, I was perfectionist Type A all the way. It was what was required. I liked performing well, so I did. As an adult, I am unable to keep up with all the responsibilities without messing up something, so I have learned to be more graceful with my self, to give myself room not to be a high-performing overachiever. I feel that as an adult I lean more to the side of rest and grace, but there has to be both.

Last spring, when I was in The Best Yes Bible study, I noticed that when we talked about how spinning your plates out of control is a signal that your soul needs rest, I was the only one who mentioned that when I am too rested (i.e. lazy), I become too disconnected and discontented with my familial relationships, because I’d not put enough energy into them, from all my resting and not worrying. That may not make sense, but I think I was allowing our introvertedness as a reason not to be investing more.

Upon becoming a mother, I was Type A. I followed all the rules, and then made up some. Then God showered me with grace, and I washed in it. One would not think you could have too much grace, and I don’t think you can, but one can definitely take advantage of it, I think, as an excuse not to work hard. That’s how I’ve felt about some of my mothering. It is the whole license versus law debate. Grace is not an excuse to sin and yet, we get a pass from just simply rule following, once again coming to the conclusion that grace is balanced when you are led by the Spirit everyday, in every way, daily dying, daily resurrecting.

I was not teaching my kids a good work ethic. Homeschooling is re-schooling our entire family to have a good work ethic. I think it is kinda funny how life comes back to bite you in the hiney sometimes. I used to laugh on the inside at my boss who could not for the life of him be organized. I, the lowly little engineer, would help prod him along to make sure his reports were turned in on time. He was a principal engineer who was sought after since he was the only one in our company with his expertise, he had several employees he cared for, he engineered and wrote reports, and he had a life outside of work too. I was a wife and mom of three who had allowed herself to be unorganized and to waste time writing (not that writing is wasteful, but I often did not balance writing assignments with the real life blessings God’s given me to care for if that makes sense?), and homeschooling, at least temporarily, is helping me to be more organized. I am sure I will still fail at getting forms in on time, as I do sometimes, but I now have a system in place that makes sense to me on how to manage three kids and their school demands.

Thankfully, I cleaned out our home before this endeavor began making home upkeep less work. I have mementos and photos still to clean out – so hard, but having less stuff is so rewarding and so soul relaxing.

Homeschooling has allowed me to spend intentional time with my daughter, although I have to slow my heart down that I am not just rushing her through her work. We are part of a co-op that she attends two days a week, and I am still figuring out a rhythm, and then on my off days with her, I do bible study, volunteer at the elementary school, and co-op, and life is very full, yet there can be a hollowness to it. I still feel a hunger and a longing for something else. God perhaps. I am reminded of a vase I broke intentionally to glue back together – God is still using it to teach me. When I am empty, I can be filled with something other than all of me – my weakness is really His strength. That grace is sufficient. That grace can be contained even in the brokenness, and the brokenness occasionally allows it to fall on someone else.

What I am learning about following God in this journey is that following Him is not usually flashy, not always guaranteed a good result, and does not mean that I will not have to die daily and trust Him over my flesh and emotions over and over again. Homeschooling is going well, but I want to know that is the absolute right thing, that good results are guaranteed, that the purpose for it will be seen, but He calls us to things even though we may fall, even though it may have no obvious result. It reminds me of Peter stepping out of the boat. He walked on water, and he was the only one besides Jesus to do so, but he only did it for a moment. It was a lesson in trust.

There are other things I am learning, but the biggest lesson is trust. There are things shaping my world that are beyond me, that I don’t understand, that I don’t know how to shape into words. I don’t always know why the hard things are, but I trust that He is using them to shape me, and maybe others in our family of five, and who knows maybe somebody else too that I am unable to see.

Apart from homeschool, my Kindergartener has told us more about public school in her eleven days there than my 4th grader and 3rd grader combined have ever told us about school. I learned that there is a trash day, where all the kids go outside and clean up trash. Come to find out, when the big kids heard her tell of it, they were like, “Oh yeah, trash day,” because they’d been doing it the entire time they were in elementary school too, and I’d never even heard of it. That part of Lisabeth being in school has been amusing and delightful. She tells us every detail, and then is exhausted upon finishing and says if telling only one of us, “Please tell mommy or daddy everything I just said.” Though shy at first, I knew she was our little extrovert.

God is carving out unexpected places and times to write, and maybe I will tell you about that soon. 😉 I don’t know if my sharing all of this blesses you or not. I have my moments of discouragement where I wondering why I am writing, but I know writing is like breathing for me. I deeply hope that my sharing of my heart somehow blesses your heart too, dear friends. I feel extremely blessed to have you here. This is unedited, and may not make a bit of sense.

P. S. I am planning a 31 day series in October that will be a bible study from the book of Daniel. I’d written that this spring for church, and now I am modifying it for you. So I would love to know from you – do you like daily emails when I am doing a 31 day series or would you like a weekly email with 7 posts attached? Any thoughts?