Last Monday was a rough day. I spent a weekend at our church’s women’s retreat. (Is that too many apostrophe S’s or what?) The retreat was wonderful and was on the subject of words. But on top of the retreat, our church hosted our new pastor and his wife for the weekend, which meant the weekend was doubly packed.
Listening to a speaker Friday night. Several hours spent listening on Saturday morning and afternoon. We had a few hours off, but I opted to eat dinner with friends, when I accidentally got the pleasure (not) of seeing a deer being shot on the side of the road. (The upside was I unintentionally made everyone laugh). Back to church for two hours of Q&A with the new pastor. A women’s coffee house afterward. Church service the next morning. For this introverted chick, I was literally exhausted when I got home on Sunday, and I did. not. want. to leave. the. house. I was drained not only from my introverted nature, but also I was emotionally spent. Several times when I was listening to the speakers, my eyes filled with tears and I held back the ugly cry many times. It was not so much conviction as a deep inward brokenness.
I knew before the weekend was over that I was going to need a moment to go “cry in the closet.” I’m the kinda girl who tends to stuff all her emotions down into the private place. So come Monday, I was feeling an explosion of emotion coming on. But I know unequivocally that in marriage, I’ve gotta get nude. So when it came time to cry and release the flood of emotion, I had to explain why the tears were coming instead of saying as I tend to do, “I’m fine,” “nothing’s wrong,” or “I don’t want to talk about it,” which are ways of trying to hide my true self from my beloved.
Communication in marriage is so important. Very often I make the mistake of thinking my hubby already knows what I am feeling and why, or that he just would not care or understand, and most often, we are both lazy in our ways of just going through the motions of the day taking care of chores, kids, etc, and never really stopping to notice one another. When it comes to marriage, I am not an expert by any stretch of the imagination. What I am probably an expert on is “how not to do this in your marriage.” Because we are both introverts, communication can be very frustrating. Add in that I am a woman and need a certain depth to my conversation, and you are going to see another level of frustration.
Because at the end of the bad Monday, I had cried, I had communicated why I was crying, and I still felt alone. But instead of pushing my husband away at the end of a bad day, he felt closer to me because I communicated my hurts and needs. Even though he didn’t feel like he could do anything about why I was hurting, he could understand it, and I had trusted him with a hidden part of myself. Honestly, even though I still felt a void, his embrace did much to combat the pain and loneliness. This back and forth between us is a communication dance because sometimes I just need space to think before I can explain my hurts. This is especially true when I am angry or hurt over something he has said or done. But communication fosters intimacy, and intimacy is what we want – emotionally, physically, etc. We all want to be known and loved. When I choose to let go of my fears and communicate my hidden self, I allow my marriage to be a picture of Christ. <–Tweet this.
There He is, calling me as He did Adam and Eve out of the bushes, out of hiding, and into gentle, loving, intimacy with Him through my husband.
How do you do the communication dance in your marriage?
This post is part of a series of posts on marriage. This week we are talking about communication. Next week, we will talk about Service. Check out the other posts here:
“When I choose to let go of my fears and communicate my hidden self, I allow my marriage to be a picture of Christ.”
Oh, I love that. It’s so true, but so hard!!!!!
So true; tweeted it…So proud of you, Jaime, for not hiding, and instead you were brave and beautiful and you danced with your hubby 🙂 As an introvert, I was feeling your need for some alone time…hugs to you, my friend 🙂
P.S. I highly recommend (read this book on our women’s pastor’s rec) The Mom Factor by Drs. Henry Cloud & John Townsend.
I found so much of myself in this post, Jamie. I, too, am an introvert and often think that my husband should know what I’m thinking or feeling because I am so aware of what I’m thinking and feeling. Time to give him more grace and work on speaking up!