Unanswered Questions

A story of unanswered questions.

Rest here © by oliverkendal

I am sorry if this offends.  Really I am.

I hate Christmas time.  You’ll understand why in a second.  I cannot keep up with the hectic hustle and bustle, and it overwhelms and sucks me into a long list of “things I’m behind on.”  Add in this year, I am at the end of writing for the women’s conference.

It is a very accomplished feeling to write for the conference.  I am happy to do it.  I gives me a sense of purpose, and I feel God’s movement through it.

Add in the month of December:  Annabelle gets strep throat, we all have major colds, I get a stomach virus, my son gets a stomach virus, and then Christmas come and goes, and all I have left is a mound of deadlines.

Christmas + writing + excess sickness = a very dirty house and a long list of things undone.

I’m chugging along fine.  Getting writing done, knocking it out.  Feeling great about that – like a million bucks.  But feeling rotten because I am having to leave my kids at home during family together time.  I know it is just “a season,” but I hate this aspect of the “season.”  I miss my family.  And I feel like a failure.   Mostly they are too young to notice much of it.

Cue in the dreaded school starts back from the holidays.  All the other mothers are happy and excited about this day.  They’ve spent an excess amount of time mothering, and I’ve only been wanting to mother more.  I do not relate this year.  They cannot relate to me either.

The writing process has grown long and lonely, and I’m glad that at least I am writing with one other person.  I wonder if God will ever ask me to do this again.  As if I have a choice, I wonder at what my response will be if He dare ask me again.

I’ve finished the writing aspect and now I have left to make a tech script, write a letter, and begin reiterating the material through my head to speak it.

I am doing my best to be fully present and all there when the children are around, except with my 21 month old.  When the kids are at school I do my best to do whatever I need to do: laundry, write, etc.  I include her in these tasks, but it’s not the things she’d love to do.  I feel neglectful.

Not to mention my hubby, who also needs some attention in the evenings.  Mothering is hard enough.  Why am I writing material again?  He’s begun cooking and caring more for the children in addition to his usual stuff.

So the Monday after school started back rolls around, and I have a dentist appointment, which I forget about.  At least I am not ashamed to answer the phone and own it when they call.  “Yes, I am sorry, I forgot,” I say.  They reschedule and remind me to remember because there is a fee for cancellations.  I am not built to handle all the extra pressures of mothering and ministry, and this is just one of the signs.

Now today, my hubby has told me that he will go play racket ball after work.  As expected, he comes home late.  He wants his usual hug and kiss, and I am in the middle of the evening rush to get ready for church.  I am heating leftovers.  I ask him about racquetball, and he says he will go tomorrow – that he just worked late.  Suddenly, I am angry.  My life will soon return to “normal.”  When will his?

The dirt around me makes me feel as if my home is caving in on me.  When all else is chaos, I want order in my home.  Everything feels unordered and out of control.  There are layers of caked on food on my table and black spots on my floor.

Did God really call me to write a bible study?  Why is that I want more out of life than just mothering?  And if I do, is that okay? or not okay?  Why does it seem like men can do whatever they want, but a woman must fit into this predetermined package of expectations?  These are the questions that rumble around in my head.

I know that God called me to write.  I’ve seen Him at work.  But why is it that my family life feels so undone? Why if He called me did we have to sacrifice what feels like so much?

Ah – but then I remember, He died for me.  My sacrifice is little in comparison.  It would be nice if I receive many jewels in my crown or to sit next to Christ for a few moments of eternity.  Mainly I pray whatever treasures I receive, my family members receive sevenfold.  None of us could have ever known.

Challenges and obstacles sometimes remind us that we are on the right path, not the wrong one, which is how I start to feel in this moment.

But, I feel Him here, calling out again and again, “Rest!”  A lesson He’s so aptly taught me as I’ve written.  A lesson I soon forgot and He continues to remind.

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me,for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.”  Matthew 11:28-29

P. S.  I’m not looking for sympathy in this post.  I just want to tell a story.  🙂