ugh!

So what happens when you write a blog about eternal life? You find out if you are willing to live it out, that’s what!

Since I’ve been so bold, I’ve found myself in predicaments and sorrows and sadness and the truth of the message has been put to the test. For starters, the kids and I went to visit my mom Friday, and we visited my mom’s parents and my dad’s parents. For those of you who do not know, my mom’s mom (granny) is in the nursing home recovering from a broken hip and her dad (papa) is recovering at home from a stroke he had last year. He is unable to be “home alone” as he has become very dependent on others with the heart of an independent person. In other words, he cannot do what he desperately wants to do because of all the possible accidents he could have. My dad’s mom (grandmother) has lymphoma, which has also progressed to skin cancer. And my dad’s dad (pa or sometimes grandpa) is moderately healthy with possible prostate cancer developing.

If these things aren’t depressing on their own, going and visiting for a sliver of time is. Watching my granny’s heart hurt so much when she might lose her foot. Her choices are open heart surgery or losing a foot! or a leg! And she is on the last days of her life and I know she’d rather not have either surgery. Finding the words to comfort and encourage really do not seem there and when they are, they don’t seem enough.

And then Saturday, my little girl starts talking while we were swimming, and her words allude to possibly my dad, who she has never known because he died unexpectedly almost 4 years ago.

Sunday both of the children were little terribles as we were getting ready for church, and I struggled to maintain my focus on God through it all. Then I went to church and heard about homeless children in Las Vegas who go home hungry and actually have to hide food and clothes from their parents, so their parents would not steal it from them – the kids! Some of the things I heard about the LV schools and kids were not too different from the world I grew up in Walker County.

And then as I listened to them talk about encounters they had with other women in LV, I began to identify (perhaps my empathy coming out, i’m not sure) with the women they talked about. This part is hard to talk about and I am going to lay it out there for the world to see, but I do not make friends easily. It used to be my horrible shyness, but now, I guess I am just not a good friend and most people don’t like being around someone who wants to go deeper and not just stay at the surface. I don’t know why I don’t attract friends, but I just don’t. I do long for a deep friendship, but most of my friendships have been in passing, and when I left one stage of life for another, so the friend went too. I’m currently in the stage of life where if you are best friendless you are very unlikely to find one. So when they talked of women desperate for attention and help preparing their classrooms I thought that could be me if I didn’t know Christ.

I am satisfied with God and the gifts he gives me because I know it is for my benefit. If I am not blessed with abundant friendship, I know he uses it for a reason, but the lost world, (those who know nothing of the fullness of God’s love) cannot possibly understand this. And I sometimes find myself at odds for this, for if I, a believer, long for connection within my own church family, how do I bring a newcomer into such a place. For this void I have, I totally DO long for another home – and the best friend I could possibly ever have to sit face to face to (maybe occasionally, we will all be given an opportunity to meet with Him so intimately).

So eternal life is now, but the narrow path can be lonely and cumbersome, and sometimes filled with goose poop (if you are walking at Spain Park).