The Heart of the Matter

Day 1

I got up to take a shower. In the winter, there is never “enough” hot water, so I turned the nozzle down to create less flow and to keep the water hot longer. I do this sometimes to conserve water and be “green.” Today, I wanted to manage to shave my legs and do it in warm water. What I learned is that “less is more” does not apply to water, even though the water did indeed stay hotter longer.

Less is not more when it comes to water. <–Tweet this.

I learned this in the shower, and I was reminded of the Plan, where she says to drink a certain amount of water, no more, no less, because too little or too much can create inflammation.

Which leads me to the Word, which is the most important water there is. Less is not more when it comes to water (ie, the word of God); just the right amount creates a soul harmony.

I got in the car with Lisabeth to do some errands. When I drive, I like to listen to the radio, to music or to sermons to get a word from God while I drive, but today, I turned it off. It was relaxing and freeing to listen only to the sound of my sweet girl and even my own thoughts. It even helped me to remember things I wanted to do, and I was able to listen to Deuteronomy be read to me by my cell phone for a few moments. I believe it created more room for Him to work in my heart.

Today, I cleaned the basement play room and the main part of the house, not a deep clean, but a visual straightening of the house. Although, I want to actually do more to declutter the toys, knowing that I had straightened them created breathing room for me.

Daniel and I went out, and I was able to have a conversation with him and give him more focus and attention because the radio was not on, and I did not look at my phone. I enjoyed clearing the clutter from my mind and my day, and I was able to enjoy my husband more as a result.

God provided me with several cues that I was surrendering.

Day 2

I continued to keep the radio off. It is quiet, strange, but very calming and peaceful.

Today, I began really decluttering my heart as Daniel and I worked to declutter and organize our garage. I am a book and word collector; one may say hoarder actually. We have more books than most people have in their homes, but we don’t have room to display all the books, so many are stored in the garage. I regularly declutter the living area books, but the books in the garage feel sacred to me. A few weeks ago, when I was clearing out the living area books, I sat and cried as I placed the following books in the box:

Who knew that I had a book called, “Planting Growing Churches” or “Missiology,” or that parting with them would cause me such pain. (I did, but I don’t expect many of you to know this about me.) I teared up when I saw them again today. Giving these books away are the equivalent to letting go of a dream I’ve held dear for many years. The garage also holds many of my journals, and I reread very tender moments I had with God during this missional calling on my life. I know God is asking me to trust him – to let dreams die. Today seemed to be the start of a journey toward peace. It is true that I may do missions one day, but honestly the odds are not in my favor, and so I allow God to be God, and I lay the deepest most inner-part of me at His feet.

Giving these books away were not nearly as hard to do:

This is a part of myself I have mostly reconciled and have given up on. I made peace with not being an engineer when I quit work to work at my church. I gave my notice before I knew I was pregnant though, so mostly these books represent the life I left to become a mother. Part of my heart problem is the question of who I am. Where is my identity? Lately, I’ve started wondering if I will have to go back to work. It is an underlying worry, and one of the reasons I try to do well as a blogger and writer. I would love for writing or blogging to help me provide for my family. Sometimes I miss engineering, but I don’t know how I could be the same type of engineer because I had to travel a ton.

The garage also holds notebooks that have several unfinished plotlines for a book or two or three started but left unfinished.

The most serious question I ask is this:

How does a girl who once loved to read books such as these

note the literary classics

and these

note the books about Jim Elliot

make peace with being “just a mom?” Sometimes I seem to want more out of life than mothering, and at other times, I just want to invest wholeheartedly into mothering. These struggles arise uninvited and unexpected, and are the main reason my heart is cluttered.

The Monday before Valentine’s, before this experiment started, I heard Gordon and Gail MacDonald on MiddayConnection. Gordon said something that just stuck out to me. He said, “When I was 35, for example, I wasn’t thinking about whether I could trust God in death.” The funny thing is that I am 35, about to be 36, and I am asking that question all the time, “Will God really be who He says He is in death? Will eternity really be there?” I think as I’ve decluttered my heart and home today that God’s called me to the altar.

Dying to self is excruciatingly painful, and I don’t want to do it. I don’t know if I trust God in death of me or my dreams. Who will I be when He raises me from the dead, if He raises me from the dead?

For fun’s sake, note that I must love The Lord of the Rings:

I had a third copy of “The Return of the King” not shown in the photo

Day 3

I realize underlying all the questions that I am afraid of wasting my life and not using fully the gifts Gods given me.