The struggle against people pleasing is constant. She talks and talks and asks me why so and so does such and such. I think it is her way of asking me why I do such and such. I feel beaten down and judged. It is a constant and familiar struggle in conversations. At times, I am brave and face the challenge head on. At other times, I back down from the obviously stronger personality who seems to have determined she is right and my way is wrong. Her confrontation is passive aggressive at best, and if it is confrontation she seeks to make, it does not feel loving to me. I hesitate to write these words, because I know some of you are like me and will think I am passive aggressively doing the same to you in this post. That is not my intent.
I have idiosyncrasies about me, things that I know need to be changed, but just because I know they need to change does not mean I have mastered the ability to make them change. I am often unaware of them, and people bring them to the surface in me when they ask me questions like why does so and so do such and such. It feels too familiar to me – too much like my own life to even consider that they do not mean me.
All of the sudden, again I am less than. God has not asked me to hide who I am or who I am becoming under a bushel, but with each passing word, I feel the cowardice rise. Sometimes, people create this feeling within me intentionally and sometimes they do it accidentally. The accidental ones share something they feel led by the Spirit to do and then, I think, “I am not doing that. Maybe I should.” With every passing should, the cycle continues and I enslave myself once again.
But with the ones who seek to make me feel less than, perhaps they seek to point a truth to me, to spur me onto a godlier version of me. Perhaps they do pass judgment on me and don’t want the consequence of confrontation. Perhaps they want to be the Holy Spirit in me. Perhaps I have sinned against them or they against me and we don’t confront one another. This is not a biblical solution to sin. The Bible says to go to your brother. Genuine confrontation is given with grace and truth. Confrontation is to be direct, bold, and brave. Without doing this is to steal grace from the offender. The thing is when we are quick to point out others weaknesses, we are not looking at our own. We assume another needs more grace over that particular area when we begin to cast judgment or even ask doubting questions about why others do what they do.
God gives the power to change the things He wants to change. Humans do not. I found myself recently analyzing another’s words to me again, and found Him lovingly whispering in my ear again,
Find rest, O my soul, in God alone;
my hope comes from him.
He alone is my rock and my salvation;
he is my fortress, I will not be shaken.
My salvation and my honor depend on God;
he is my mighty rock, my refuge.
Trust in him at all times, O people;
pour out your hearts to him,
for God is our refuge. Psalm 62:5-8See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland. Isaiah 43:19
Unlike times in the past, I was able to analyze less and lean more. What He seemed to be saying to me was that although I indeed have not mastered the words hung over me, I still sometimes fall into old habits, He is doing a new thing, a good thing in me. Men or women may not like it and may judge it and speak ill words over it or when I stumble, but their judgments do not give me honor or ruin my reputation either. I am no longer defined by my mistakes, but by His grace over my mistakes. Of course, this in no way negates my responsibility over my sins and mistakes, but Only God gives me honor and He alone defines my path, my worth. He alone gives power over the weak areas of my life that need changing. His Words are Life!
The Spirit gives life; the flesh counts for nothing. The words I have spoken to you are spirit and they are life. John 6:63
Shared with Joy for LifeUnMasked, Jennifer at Getting Down with Jesus, and Courtney at Women Living Well.
Photo credit: Why? by BuzzFarmers
I so love that passage from Ps 62. Thanks for sharing. 🙂
I am glad you enjoyed it! 🙂
So true! I struggle with people pleasing and comparing myself to others quite often. So thankful we can find our true worth in Christ.
Amen! I am so glad you stopped by my blog today. It was a divine appointment.
(Hi, I clicked over from Joy’s blog 🙂 Thank you for sharing this bit of your story with us. I, too, am a people-pleaser. It is good to be reminded that the fight against it is not only my own, and that we are given some wonderful truth to help us in our struggles!
I am so thankful that we are not in this fight alone! Not at all. Yay for grace and truth!
like i said, my friend, i could unfortunately sign my name right next to yours on this post. and in my head, i know that the “obviously stronger personality who seems to have determined she is right and my way is wrong” is simply manifesting insecurity. i know that she’s grasping for her own value (& not anchoring it in the Right Place). i know that her critical words are coming out b/c she feels “less than.” i know all that! in my head . . . so why are those interactions still so painful? why can’t i extend compassion? that compassion would serve as a gauze to my own wound, no doubt, but instead, i just look at the bleeding. i just watch the blood pour out of me . . . but i think i struggle so much in responding internally in a healthy manner b/c i’m struggling w/ the very same junk. (*sigh*) ultimately, we’re ea. struggling to keep our eyes on Jesus, instead of ourselves (whether our insecurities, our hurts/bleeding, etc.).
and that psalm 62:7 verse? WOW, did i ever need THAT! not for the scenario i just blabbed about, but for a totally different road in the journey. thank you SO much for that. for ALL of it!
With all this grace I’m learning about and taking in, I am still saddened and dismayed when I respond to others in the old ways, like the old Jamie. There are people who trigger that in me, trigger old ways and thought patterns and responses. I act like I have no idea how to extend the grace given me when I converse with these particular folks. Not that I blame them at all, but I see how far I’ve come and how far I still have to go. Thankfully, he will complete the work He started in me.
I’ve found this same thing bothering me more and more lately. I am finally realizing that whether I’m imposing it on another or someone is imposing it on me, it is a failure to trust God with each other. God promises to finish the good work he has started in us, and it isn’t for us to say when or what or how he does it. And the thing we so easily forget in the midst of the pain of change is that God loves us through it all, from the beginning to the end, no matter how much we botch things up in the process.
Joy, I love what you say here about it being a “failure to trust God with each other.” That is absolutely so true!