My last writing assignment for my (in)courage group was – What keeps you from taking risks in your writing? So this pieces is on risky writing and questions.
If I was going to lay out everything on my mind for you, you would find that I have a few questions right now. Last week, I talked about how Dave Rahm died while flying at an air show, and asked the question, “what would you be willing to die doing?”
Truth is if I expressed some of my questions, I am afraid some things would end for me, and I am not ready for those possibilities to come to an end, so I don’t risk it. Plus, I don’t believe everything has to come out in the light for everyone, so not everything may be appropriate to share here.
Yet, truthfully, I am at a crossroads – I need to deal with some of these questions and speak some of my truths or I am going to be eaten alive. Either way, whether I want to remain safe or not, something has to end. Endings are hard. I have to choose – my life, my integrity versus safety. For a “good girl,” people pleaser, safety is what I prefer to choose. This is one of those moments when I want to stuff my emotions down deep.
I’ve written a couple of posts that are half-finished but I haven’t shared them because I can’t come to a conclusion. I can’t figure out what it is I wanted to really say. I think that’s partly because I’m not dealing with the things I need to deal with, or I’ve dealt with them but I haven’t sought to resolve them with the appropriate persons.
I have cultural questions, and there are questions about church that are pressing into me. When I’ve begun to ask the questions, I’ve been told to stop.
I met with a new friend who seemed to have journeyed a similar path as me, and I was free to talk and listen and know that someone else has asked the same questions. She unknowingly raised another question for me that applies to this post – do we share what is risky with our readers only to get more readers and recognition? Do we share our secrets to be more popular? And do we lose authenticity when we do so? It seems like the solution for a people pleaser, at least, would be to be more open and vulnerable, assuming it pleases God, but not at the risk of integrity or losing authenticity.
I recently got my hair cut. The cut is funkier than is usually me. Remember I told you I wanted to be one of those persons to dye it a streak of color. Well I almost did that, but I got it cut in a wonky way, with half of it pixie short and the other side a little longer. I actually like it. It is true I may have tried it to be a little edgier (and I first thought upon seeing myself later I am sweeter than I thought), but it is also true that deep inside of me I am asking risky and raw questions. My hair currently reflects the sweet and sour side of me, the unresolved places of me coming out in asymmetry.
Another thing that keeps me from asking the questions publicly is my commitment to truth in this place. I want to reach people for Christ, not lead them away. I want to use my platform wisely.
Really it seems to come to integrity – am I willing to let my readers really know me and am I willing to be honest and full of integrity even if it means that something will have to come to an end?
Because I want to be a woman of integrity, I must choose risk over safety.
Have you ever been confronted with integrity versus safety?
I’m not great at putting this into practice, but I try to remember that God is big enough to stand up to our questions and doubts.
When Jacob wrestled him, God didn’t instantly kill him, although he easily could have. In the end, he even gave him a blessing (and a dislocated hip, maybe just to remind him who was in charge.) The point is, God accepted his contention and used it for good. And Jacob walked away with praise on his lips and a life (and name) forever changed.
As for worrying about exposing your questions to non-believers, I think people appreciate sincerity and can relate to people not knowing all the answers. In all things, not just spiritual, I’m instantly on guard when someone claims to have all the answers.
Thanks, Chris! I love that story where Jacob wrestled with God – that is totally me.
I am not wrestling with my faith so much as the way things are done and why, and in writing about that, I would hate to lead someone astray. I appreciate your thoughts. Thanks.
It makes me think of the line in The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch & the Wardrobe, both the book and the movie, when Lucy (I think) asks Beaver if Aslan is safe, to which Beaver boldly, and almost snappingly says, “”Safe? Who said anything about safe? ‘Course he isn’t safe. But he’s good. He’s the King, I tell you.”
What does that have to do with what you are asking? I guess my connection is, you can play it safe. The world tells you to do that. Don’t get out of your zone. Be in your little world, your little box, your little comfy zone, for that is where everything is secure, that is where everything is right, that is every you can control everything. It is when we step out, where we lose a bit of security, a bit of control, and things aren’t as right as WE think they should be… that’s the key. That’s when it’s no longer safe.
But it’s good.
You’re one of the most authentic writers I know… we can both agree that many of the things you say don’t directly relate to me for I, a dude, and you, a chick, are in two different places on many levels, but as writers, we both wrestle with what we write, how we write, and WHY we write in the first place. And what I always say is that if I didn’t want anyone to read what i wrote, I would write it in a journal, or on a word document and password protect it. I share what I share hoping it gets read, and maybe hoping the right person who it will affect will read it, find it somehow. Most of the time it doesnt happen… but when it does, its wonderful to know I had some sort of impact. Its not safe. But its good.
You have given me a lot to think about. Thanks, d$.
Jamie,
I wish I could see your haircut.
For me, I wouldn’t even be blogging if it weren’t for God as when I began, the whole idea of writing in public seemed Very Risky…so much so that I didn’t put my name or my photo on my blog for about a year…then there is the stuff God puts on my heart to write, which I then have to wrestle with Him about….
No easy answers…just keep seeking Him and be willing to surrender, trust and obey…I know I still daily struggle to follow and I am desperate for His grace…every single day…
Praying God gives you clarity, my friend.
Dolly,
You are such an encouragement to me. I guess that is an adequate description: “then there is the stuff God puts on my heart to write, I then have to wrestle with Him about.”
I feel like I’ve already gotten some clarity, friend, so thank you for praying for me.