Noticed

We sat across the table from one another.  I had just left Annabelle’s Kindergarten Holiday party at school and now my mom, Lisabeth (my 20 month old), and I were in a sports bar waiting on lunch.

“It just wasn’t what I was hoping it would be,” I said, speaking of the party.

She said, “It never is.”

I wanted to explore why I was unsatisfied with the school process and what about it left me wanting more, but she sat quietly.  Listening but quiet.  Not really saying what she seemed to be thinking.  This is the way it is now between her and me.  The walls are tall and thick, and conversations quickly take dead ends.

She wanted to know if Annabelle had fun.  “She did,” I said.  She smiled, but her eyes looked distant, far away, not really with me.

I changed the subject.  Instead of taking a straight path, we shared meandering thoughts about nothing in particular.

Our food arrived and we began to eat, when she said, “We will have Christmas dinner on Christmas Eve night.”  I bristled at that a little bit.  I was sad, because now I needed to rearrange Christmas with my in-laws and the time with my mom and my sister’s family would be short.  I started to speak, but stopped.  Then started again to say that I was sad that we would not see one another much.  She sat silently while I continued to try to direct the conversation back to Christmas.  She continued eating quietly.  I watched her.  She was thoughtful and sad and lonely.  I could tell she was working hard not to cry, and she did not want to discuss it.  So I moved on once again.

We ate hurriedly, picked up my 4-year-old son from preschool, and drove home.  She quickly exited the car to give good-bye kisses to the children and left.

As often as I wish, wonder, and worry about my relationship with her, today I stopped long enough to notice the pain in her heart.  The longing for something more.  I reminded myself to be thankful for the moments, even though short, that I have to celebrate life with my family at Christmas.  I wish that she too could be thankful and find meaning in the moments she has with me and my children, that somehow we could satisfy a piece of the longing.

Only God fills up a heart so big it overflows.  How is it He seems not enough in moments like these?  How is it He is often overlooked and tucked away into the shadowlands of not just hers, but all of our hearts?  It is in these moments of dissatisfaction that He calls out, “Turn to me!  LOOK at me!  Be still before me!”

Psalm 42:1 says, “As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, O God!”  Go on to read the Psalm and you find a man in despair, who feels neglected by God.  What is it about us and our souls that has forgotten to pant for Him?  And when we will like the Psalmist say, “O my Soul, put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God” (42:11)?

Lord, help us to seek your face when we feel dissatisfied with this earthly life.