Richard Foster says “Prayer is the deepest and highest work of the human spirit” and “to pray is to change.” As a stay at home mom, I have found myself lonely and tired. It seems to be an epidemic that I cannot find biblical community and friends in which to share my burdens with honestly and truthfully. I’ve mentioned that before. I started out this day giving myself a pity party on my loneliness. I am just so tired of being let down that I feel like what’s the point of trying. And, I thought, maybe I will just go to another church. I felt desperate enough to try one even without seeking my husband’s thought. But, as my day progressed, God began to speak softly to my soul and tell me that during this time of my life, I desperately need him. I pray, but I don’t always read his word like I should, so I decided to pray and then listen to Him through reading His word, the bible. Given that I am lonely, I have been praying daily for God to draw intimate meaningful relationships into my life. I know that God is jealous and that at times He chooses not to send me meaningful friendships so that I will lean on Him. Oddly, His word confirmed that to me again today.
I was not angry with His answer, but I was moved to take action. To actually figure out how I need to pray to make him my everything. To come back into His word daily. To commune with Him daily – recognizing His Holiness. Sometimes, I think my spirit goes through the motions of what I think I need to do to gain His favor and receive that which I want. This time, though, I just want Him. I don’t want anymore discipline and withholding of the gifts. I truly want to hunger for Him. In some ways I do already, but probably not in the way God deserves and desires. So I guess that means I need to get up earlier, since I have small kids and they are always with me, I need to find time to truly be alone with Him. And, I have decided on a women’s bible study to do at church. I hope that something more will come with the women in the study than just meeting and studying – that true friendship will develop, but I earnestly seek only Him! My prayer is that I will be changed, intimacy with the Father will develop further, and persistance will ever be with me through any trials or triumphs.
Jamie, I can relate to this feeling of loneliness. I know that God wants us to be dependent on Him for relationship, and yet I find myself not spending the time I need to spend with Him, whether in His word or in prayer, either. Instead I feel like I’m floating out here, listless in some ways. I am so grateful that I really am not alone, ultimately – that He is with me, carrying me through. I will be praying for this new Bible study you are joining – that relationships, whether with other women or with our bestest friend, are developed or refreshed.