If you’ve been reading here for a while, you know that sometimes my thoughts are aged like a fine wine. Unfortunately, I am not quick in my correspondence either. I am like two years ago slow to respond, and I do not like to make quick decisions, though I can, but especially when things are piled high, and I should probably say no, I tend to say maybe. Because I am always looking for more community and I am always trying to figure out my gifts, I over commit myself sometimes (<–side note that I realize I am processing separate situation while writing), so it is not usually easy for me to write about a conference and what God has done in my me through the conference a week later. But today, I will start with where I was and how I am now, and then in another post, I will write the depths of what God has done or is doing.
Last year, I left Allume thinking I would not probably come again this year. It had nothing to do with the conference. I just felt burdened by the cost and my just being a mom and why did I get to go to a blog conference anyway. What really am I doing on this little blog? Who do I think I am? Mostly, I wanted to save money for a writing class or conference instead. I mean one specifically for writing well, not all the spiritual Jesusy stuff. 😉 One that costed less and was close to home.
My roomies from last year contacted me fairly early in the year, and I would never commit, because in my mind, I wasn’t going. But I left the door open, being the good friend that I am. (or not). Finally, it was time for a definite answer, and finally, for some reason, I decided to go.
Note to self for next year: it is good for you to be with writers and creatives and thinkers and influencers, even if you don’t hold a candle to their work. You need them in your life.
After I decided to go, life got busy and hard. I was not living well. I was on edge. I was overwhelmed. I wanted to yell all the time at my kids. Homeschooling was driving me crazy, but also making me happy. It was something like jumping off a cliff with Jesus – extremely scary and extremely thrilling, but I had no idea the side effects I would undergo as I went along for the ride. I had to quit Bible study. I stopped figuring out how to cook, launder, or do anything other than school my kid, and I was feeling super lonely, was still worried about the overall health and well-being of myself and child, and I wasn’t sure what value I really had if any. I want to foster or adopt one day, but even my dog was hiding from me, so when would that ever happen? My marriage has not exactly been thriving this year either. Hormones are one heck of a thing. Ministry acquaintances were pulling on me to make decisions, when I was absolutely drowning in my own crap. (Pardon me, but I say crap in real life too, okay?)
Why should I go to a blog conference? only to feel like a failure because I hadn’t really done the work to grow my blog since last year. Maybe I couldn’t write anyway. I had secretly started working on a book, and the one person who’d read it didn’t like it. I didn’t get a single publisher appointment. Who was I kidding anyway?
Misplaced values? Anyone else feeling me here? Taking my eyes off Jesus for all the things pulling on my soul was really doing a sad number on my soul.
But I’ve been around the block enough to know that my idols – love, approval, friendships, praise, have not done the first thing to get me out of downward spirals. I knew God was calling me to confess, so I did. I said, “I am getting close to the bottom,” but I have been lower. That alone was freedom for me. Just admitting and confessing to someone made me get off of the path I was headed toward.
Then, I decided to turn to the only thing that has ever done anything good for my soul. I sought Jesus with a vengeance by committing to the 31 days of Seeking Jesus. I went to the doctor one week before Allume, and she said that I was floundering. She was righter than rain; her counsel sweet to my soul.
And then Allume. Glorious Allume. I think I became a new person while driving there. I will post more about it after my soul has had more time to digest it, but this one sentence summarizes my time well: If you want to change the world, you have to change your world first.
I don’t like the overwhelmed feeling of a cluttered soul. I was lonely, and when I am lonely, I worry more about my value. I want to fix my loneliness by trying to do all the things in ministry, because then I will have friends. And the writing life, well, it is just me and the computer right now. It is a lonely calling. It is even lonelier when you tie your worth to whether or not an agent or publisher gives you value or whether you have enough subscribers or you are writing to the appropriate audience.
Everyone I know who started blogging when I did has published at least an eBook or resource of value, and I am just spinning my wheels, chasing all the things God never intended me to chase, in order to fill my hollow places. I’ve not allowed myself to be fully Jamie. I’ve been more like the mixed up chameleon, pretending to be all the things I am not in hopes of finally figuring out who I am. It’s hard to serve anyone when you become like that. not your readers, your kids, or your self. I had become a poor man’s Wendy (Wedding Planner quote).
But God came seeking for me again before I sought Him again. I was sinking, but not just in my own overwhelmed life chaos and idolatry. “If grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking.” I was going to find Him again in the graces of those weak spots through writing, the way I need Him everyday through meditating on the Word.
“If grace is an ocean we’re all sinking
So heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss
And my heart burns violently inside of my chest
I don’t have time to maintain these regrets
When I think about the way
He loves us” (excerpt from How He Loves by John Mark McMillan)
I stopped looking at all the things I wasn’t, stopped comparing myself to others. God has made me who I am for a reason, and I’m not the type that can do a million things though so many think I can. My limits are not wide, at least not in this season. I may only be made to be a wife and a mom, and that is okay when my eyes are focused, fixed with a steady train on Jesus. Because His gaze is ever strengthening my weak spots for His glory, and that’s mighty fine by me.
Thank you for sharing your heart heart Jamie. I have always loved your blog, even though I don’t get to read every post. I loved that you said “yes” to Allume and that you allowed God to pursue you and begin to change your heart. You have so much worth and value — in life, as a mom, as a writer. In all of my 8 years blogging, I’ve never had the privilege of going to Allume. Can’t afford the air fare. Perhaps one day.
Barbie – you are a great encourager! No worries about not reading every post. Just your presence here is a delight and gift. I sincerely hope you get to go to Allume one day, but then you will have to go with a prepared heart, because it is just like anything else – you have to have the appropriate filter.
I am so behind on your series, but promise I’m going to catch up. 😉 Grateful you went to Allume and had such a wonderful experience. I wish I could have gone this year and had a chance to sit and talk with you! I left last year’s Allume the same as you did — very content in me and was able to let go of all the “shoulds.” What a glorious place to be. I love your honesty!
No need to catch up! I am just writing as the Lord leads each day, so not even sure there is a common thread or not. If you go back and read, you will have to tell me if you see one. 🙂 I would love to sit and talk with you again. You encourage me all the time through Be Still Be Free. I think you are a couple steps again of me in my walk or maybe we are close beside one another, but at any rate, I love how God is using you to teach me even though I don’t listen to every podcast. This post may have been a little too raw, but oh well.
Oh, Jamie. My heart goes out to you because it is such a vulnerable thing this writing business and I have felt so much of what you describe here. There have been moments I’ve been tempted to throw in the towel, but I always return to why I started writing in the first place: to draw closer to the LORD. And I see that yearning in your posts as well. Numbers, comments, likes do not give you this or take it away from you. And BTW I’d love to read your book!
Also, when I was truly discouraged I opened my heart to God and told Him that I was doing this to be obedient to Him, but that it hurt to share so vulnerably and get little respone and I asked Him to encourage me by showing me that the words I was writing impacted just one person. And then the Lord did just that. I only have 5-10 visitors a day, sometimes less, but I see the Lord in this. In returning to what He has done in my life, I have also bee enormously blessed and encouraged in my faith myself. All this to say that our God sees you, sees your struggles, but also your heart for Him. Know your words have blessed me greatly.
I feel like I have gained a friend in you through this 31 day series, and for me, that is no small feat. People make friends online all the time, and I seem to be so super slow at that process. You have been a constant source of encouragement and light for me. I think it is so normal for writers to want to give up. What you shared here is so good, as when I went to Allume, I truly asked God if He wanted me to continue writing because I don’t want to be a part of all the noise, you know? I didn’t really have that answered at Allume, but I feel like He is answering it here at home. I don’t have many visitors either, and only God could magnify my words to make a book. If He is in it, nothing can stop it. I only need remember that and look beyond from what is seen to the invisible.