Dad

Six years ago, my dad had a massive heartache and passed away suddenly. He was in New Orleans on a business trip at the time, and I was the first person from our family to find out what had happened to him. I was the one who talked to the doctor and then had to tell the rest of my family members. I don’t really talk about my dad much on this blog out of respect for him and for others who are still grieving him. My college English teacher once told me that you cannot write about your parents until they have passed from this life into the next life because not until then can you fully be free to explore your thoughts and put them on paper.  I would suggest that you are never fully free to write about those closest to you unless you are ready to deal with the potential consequences.  I am not completely there.  But I wanted to try, so this is my attempt. Please if you are a family member, and it causes you pain, do not read this.

Before my dad passed on, I had never had someone close to me die. At the time, all of my grandparents were alive. Since then, my granny has passed. Death can be mysterious. Being a spiritual person, I had many questions for God – most of which could not be answered. Or they could be answered but God left them unanswered for me then and now. Whatever the answers are or were, they are no longer relevant because daddy is no longer here.  Because I had been hoping to see change in my dad’s life, I spent more time grieving while my daddy was alive than after he died.  Through his death and in spite of the unanswered questions, I made peace with God.  His presence or the presence of angels were unmistakable during my dad’s death.  God is faithful to those who love him, and that time was no different.

I miss my dad.  I wish my dad could see my sweet children.  I wonder what he would think about my mischievous son, my dreamy daughter, and my baby who looks so much like him.  Would he laugh at the crazy things they say?  Or would they drive him completely crazy?  My dad was well known for his temper – that would be no surprise to anyone that knew him, and little kids in restaurants were not his favorite things.  I wonder if my monsters would have been different.  Would he love that Speed Racer can be just as passionate with his emotions as he was?  Would he think that I was teaching him well?  Would he be proud of me as a mom?  I wish that I could hear his voice again, especially to sit next to him in church and hear him singing.  Perhaps, he sings in heaven.  He had a great voice.  I miss his hugs.  He had the most giant of all the hugs in the world.  And a laugh to swallow you whole.  He was an intelligent man.  I think he was mostly misunderstood and probably bored sometimes at what life had to offer.  But I loved to talk “smart talk” with him about the Bible and math.  I would like to think that I could give him plenty to think about were he still here now.  One of his passions was studying Revelations and trying to figure out the puzzle of it all – while we are still wondering, perhaps, he’s seen the answer of what is to come.  As much as I miss my daddy, I no longer grieve my daddy.  I do not understand why he died so early.  And I get sad when I miss him, but I no  longer hold onto him.  I have let him pass from my hand here to God’s hand in eternity.  His memory lives on in my heart and in the hearts of those who loved him.  I love you, dad.