My granny always called me her sunshine. That made me feel special, and I miss that. I miss my granny and my daddy and all my loved ones that I hope are in Heaven.
Tonight I was just wanting to write something else, something less serious than church and reform, and be creative and have fun. My favorite 8-year-old is with me, so I decided to write about my girl. I have two girls, but the 8-year-old is awake when she should be asleep, and it is fun to have a new expanding relationship with her that we can play, laugh, and be silly together in a way that we both enjoy and give and take unto one another.
Like the song, “My Girl,” I’ve got sunshine on a cloudy day….sing with me.
I’ve got sunshine on a cloudy day.
When it’s cold outside her sun rays make sure it’s never gray.
I guess you’d say
What can make me feel this way?
Annabelle
Talking bout her and Libby Gale. – my girls
I’ve got so much funny, her laughter, you all envy me.
We’ve got sweeter songs when its her and me.
Well, I guess you’d say
What can make me feel this way?
Annabelle
Talkin’ ’bout her and Libby Gale – my girls.
Hey hey hey
Hey hey hey
Ooooh.
Cuter than a bunny and not nearly as lame.
I’ve got all the riches, baby, one mommy can claim.
Well, I guess you’d say
What can make me feel this way?
Annabelle
Talkin’ ’bout her and Libby Gale – my girls.
I’ve got sunshine on a cloudy day
With my girl.
I’ve even got the end of gray
With my girl
Talkin’ ’bout
Talkin’ ’bout
Talkin’ ’bout
My girl
Ooooh
My girl
As long as I can talk about my girl…
Annabelle’s in bed now, and I can write a bit more freely (she says having a mom who blogs makes her famous and then I tell her we don’t blog for fame). Usually here on this blog you only get the serious and deep thoughts of Jamie, but at times I am silly. Like at dinner earlier tonight the situation was tense. My son would not eat. I mean dinner at my house is almost always not fun. My husband took it too seriously, and everything was not so good, so what do I do?
I start singing… The butter, the butter, oh I eat the butter. to the turn of The Veggie Tales song, “The bunny.” And before long I was sing-songing everything I wanted to say to anyone at the table to the same tune. My husband was the hardest to break, but pretty soon everyone was laughing around the table. Silly Jamie should come out more often, but I tend to share her with those I am closest to.
My son HATES anyone to laugh at him, but at times, he is the funniest thing. We all want to laugh, but know that if we do, he will tear up, cry, and run away. He is tender-hearted and highly sensitive like me. As a child, I never wanted anyone to draw attention to me, I hated to be wrong in class, and if someone laughed at me, I figured I had messed up. Elijah is like that too. I am proud that none of my children are nearly as shy or as withdrawn as I was for so many years, but it is hard to watch yourself in your kids, and good too, because you know God is showing you how to help them, and it reminds you that you really are the best parent for you kids. But, I don’t often share my silly side because part of me is like Elijah, and yet as an adult, I have learned deep acceptance and abiding in the Lord, so I should freely share silly me.
We went to the library the other day, and Elijah wanted to play on the iPads, but they were full. He immediately started crying. This sounds like something a spoiled kid would do, and yes, I am sure that is a little of it, but I know too, his sensitive heart was heartbroken that his desire was unfulfilled. I get that. I have closed off my tender heart to so many because I pick up the pains of others, and it is hard to carry so much pain all of the time.
Learning that I am highly sensitive has helped me understand why friendships sometimes feel unfulfilled and why at times I stop being vulnerable and do not share or why I just don’t even try to meet expectations at times. This is a learned process, and I seem to waffle from one extreme to the another – meeting everyone’s expectation to flat-out meeting none, and people feeling confused by me.
This blog is a lonely place. The church series was therapeutic to write, but now I don’t want to finish the ones I haven’t written. The HSP part of me was carrying a great weight over things in my own church that I saw, and writing helped release the weight I was carrying, but I began writing here because I saw a need for change universal.
Part of me wants to quit writing altogether. Us writers regularly feel this. It is hard to be a change agent when you don’t see the change. But also, there is not much community here – I don’t seem to know how to instill community. It mirrors my in real life. I cannot be so focused on writing that I forget to live. When I started writing, people who I knew in person actually read. Now I can count on one hand the in person people I know that read. I think about giving up all of my ideology, my ideals and dream building, to just focus on this moment of today.
The other day I got a notice that made my heart ache for days. And then I went to get a haircut and came home crying. I was visibly shaken by all who saw me. I wanted to stay lodged in myself for the rest of my days – here in my home where life is safe. But then I kept waking up and doing my bible study. How like God to plan for me to study things like the theology of walking, exploitation of believers, heartbreak, vulnerability, and community. He was telling me that I was doing a good God thing by writing about the things I see in church, that if I close off myself here, how can He walk with me among the pain and beauty of others, that people are worth loving and breaking over even if the pain brings you to death, that risking yourself is worth it, and community is needed.
So I will not stop, even when I think I will. I will keep laughing and crying and hurting and breaking and writing, for His glory, for He walks among my words here. Perhaps as I keep risking, community will keep growing.
After all that wanting to draw inward, I picked up my phone and risked real relationships too. I have a bible study in my home – I suppose I must be vulnerable there too. I invited friends for an outing with us in which we often go alone, and as a result, today I had fun, joy, laughter, silliness. I am a child of the Light, granny’s no longer here to call me her sunshine, but I will keep shining His rays all my days.
Linking with Tell His Story, Unforced Rhythms, Thought Provoking Thursdays, and Holley Gerth.
I LOVE the Bunny song! We do that kind of silliness often in our home, and I love that we have those “inside” jokes with each other. Precious times that are quickly passing. Now my kiddos are too old for Veggie Tales, but I miss them! Lol
“I will keep laughing and crying and hurting and breaking and writing, for His glory, for He walks among my words here.” Amen, yes he does.
I’m so glad you’re writing, friend, even if it’s hard to continue at times. It takes guts to hit publish, but there is a way in which it is holy work still, don’t you think? Thank you for opening your heart here. And thank you for sharing with us at Unforced Rhythms. I hope we’ll see you there again.
Thank you, I definitely plan to come back again!
Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I’am also HSP. Many times it is a blessing for it makes me understand the feelings the hurt and pain of others. And sometime’s when they let me, i’m able to help them. But also often it is not a blessing for me because i literaly feel every emotion, every change in my surroundings, and many time’s i get so many impressions in a day that i can hardly cope with it. Not everyone understands that and see me different. But they don’t see what is happening inside me and that i need more time than others to proces what is happening. That feels lonely sometimes. That is also the reason that i’m writing, to clear my head and that does wonders. I’m sure gonna visit your blog again to read more of your blogs. Many blessings for you and your family.
Thea
Thea,
It was such a comfort and a blessing to receive your comment. It makes me feel less lonely knowing someone understands. I too feel all the emotions and changes in my surroundings and it is lonely at times. The writing helps me so much, just like you said. I will be visiting your place too. Look forward to getting to know you.