Today is my oldest baby (Annabelle)’s last day of Kindergarten. I haven’t written hardly anything at all about school or my thoughts. So today I will try. I say try because for a year now words have failed me on the topic of school. I wrote a post for her first day, but well, adjusting to school has been more than difficult. Not at all for her, but for me. Perhaps, I’ll summarize the year as I go along.
This past year has been a whirlwind of activity. What with me writing and speaking at a women’s conference in January, which meant I was in the middle of preparing for it when school started last year. And the realization that my little one was in the hands of another woman for more hours of the day than I am. The hours that I spent in the evening from school drop-off to bedtime were few, hurried, cherished, and seemed not to satisfy my hunger for more time with her. Figuring out when to cook dinner so that I could actually read with her, help her with minor schoolwork, and just hang out took me most of the year to do.
She grew enormously in the first two months of school. Her anxiety eased and she became her own and grew with confidence. She excelled and helped other students, and we loved her teacher and still do. I was able to volunteer for things at school, helping the teacher cut out things and doing stuff for her from home which helped me stay involved. I went on a field trip, helped with a class party, and went several times to eat lunch with her.
I have grown enormously this year in a spiritual sense – learning to hold so many things from children to friendships loosely in my hands knowing that I can completely trust Him with my needs and even my wants. I sent Annabelle off to school with a gentle hold on her giving up my control over some aspects of her life and letting go of the notion of possibly homeschooling her. I have to say that the desire to homeschool is stronger than ever, even though we have loved school this year. It is one of those dreams I crucified because for now, His answer is no, and I cling tightly to Him to see where, what, when He will take me and my family. This working out of teaching my kids Scripture and cleavage unto to Him is difficult when the hours with them are short, and I do not yet do it well.
Speaking of giving up dreams, it is a very odd thing to let go of the future and just live in the now. I think it is how we are intended to live. Though I speculate on what God might do in our lives, I really don’t know that I will sell my house, that I will ever adopt a child, or homeschool my children for even a year of their lives. I don’t know how long the days with them will be or when I will cease to walk on the earth. None of us really do. I am simply living in what the day brings and adding to it when and if God sees fit for me to do so, but I trust the I AM THAT I AM (God’s name) with all my heart and all my desire and lean not on my understanding (Prov 3:5). I know that He will make our ways straight and direct them as He so desires. (Prov 3:6).
I started this post feeling sad for another year gone, sad with desire to be with her, but ending it with praise for this now, for this moment, for this never-ending grace He gives each moment of every day, as I cling hopefully to Him, rooted and grounded in His love.
For me, this was one of the hardest lessons to learn. That ultimately the best laid plans are absolutely just wishes. God has control and complete sovereignty over every little thing and He desires for me to surrender that control. I think in our minds we make it a one time thing and then beat ourselves up for taking the reigns back. But truly, this thing is daily. Every moment, every breath…walking in the shadows of the cross.