When I lived under the Law

Up front I want you to know that I love the Law of Liberty.  And by that I mean the Bible is full of life to me, even the parts of the Old Testament many find boring and dull.  There is freedom there.  When the Bible began to be presented as a full story to me, I began to love it in its whole, not just one part or piece.

So when I speak of under the law, it is not intended to be derogatory to the Old Testament or to Pentateuch or Torah.  When I speak of under the law, I am referring to a time when I lived by a set of rules, created by me, to dictate my behavior – when I lived under the law.  Even though I was a believer, there have been times when I followed the rules but did not allow the Spirit of God to really guide me.  This was living under the law for me.

When I first became a parent, I lived under a lot of rules, self-made rules.  I had no idea of what I was doing at all.  I was a breastfeeding mother, and I didn’t know anyone who had successfully breastfed.  I was not a breastfed baby, so I was unable to ask my mom about it.  I had never cared for a baby before.  I had babysat, but it was always older kids.  So to say that I was clueless when it came to parenting is quite the understatement.  What I did know I read in books – What to Expect When You Are Expecting, What to Expect during the First Year, BabyWise, just to name a few.  These books were invaluable resources to me in one respect, but in another, they gave me rules to live by and expectations to follow when life had become chaotic and out of control.  During my first two years of marriage life was constant change.  I was under severe stress from work, my health was the poorest in my life, my dad passed away, I quit my job and began working at my church, I got pregnant with my first child, and then became a full-time stay at home mom.

Looking back I am certain I had postpartum depression, but it was concealed as extreme mania to do everything right and to the T.  Annabelle was catered to every moment of every day.  I nursed her every 3 hours.  I played with her every moment she was not asleep.  She was over stimulated and had a hard time settling down for a nap.  I followed each suggestion by the pediatrician as law not as suggestion.  I just didn’t know how to be a parent, and certainly these things would set me straight and make me into the mom I was supposed to be, right?  That’s what I thought anyway.  And I expected others to do the same.   My husband was not extremely close to his parents until we had children, and I worried and was hurt at every little thing they said because I didn’t yet know them or understand their personalities.

I might be introverted but I love people.  One of the main things I loved about working was my co-workers.  As a stay at home mom, I knew no other mothers with babies the same age as Annabelle, and I was lonely and lost.  And even though I understood what grace was in the name of salvation, there was little grace in my life during that season.  Living under this kind of law had little freedom.    No freedom for me, no freedom for others when they messed up.  I had a lot of rules to follow, but so did my husband, my mom, my mother in law, anyone who cared for Annabelle.  And when we didn’t meet my expectations, I didn’t know how to do anything but expect more or feel defeated when I failed or when they failed.  I did not really understand the Christian life or how to apply it practically to parenting or any aspect really. I had no idea I did not know this.

But then a shift happened.  God began to pour out His matchless grace onto me or rather He began to open my eyes to better understand it.  I may not be a grace-filled parent on a daily basis, but any one can look at my parenting technique and see that I have a freedom now that I did not have then, and that is what grace does.  It sets us free.

If I could go back and redo those days, under the law, I would.  But that would still be me trying to get it right in my way.  But because of grace, I don’t have to.  Because I am not the one who works out this life.  I have freedom to get it wrong, mess up, and lean more into Him.   I am not proud of that graceless girl I once was, and there are days when she still visits and lives on, but those are the days I am reminded to die to self and let Him live in me.