Know my Heart

When Jesus approaches the woman at the well, He speaks and acts with knowing of her. He knows that she is spiritually dry and thirsty. He knows she has had five husbands. She goes back to tell people that He knows everything she ever did.

This is not the first encounter in which we see Jesus speak with knowing. He calls Nathaniel, and Nathaniel asks Him, “How do you know me?” He knows the heart of His mother when they attend the wedding in Cana together. He knows the heart of Nicodemus, and indeed, it seems to be theme of John’s writing that is not as well-developed in the other gospels – that Jesus knows and sees people as they are, in an intimate manner.

I have been given what I will call a gift, but at times feels like a curse as well. It is the ability to see people. To be quiet is to be a silent observer, and I like to study human nature. I often know many details about people when they don’t know the first thing about me. Not only do I know these details, but I deeply care about them and remember them, when most people do not know or care about the sorts of things I observe. I also listen, and pick up on a host of information that way too. It is a curse because it is very rare for someone to see me as I see others. Maybe these are standard traits of highly sensitive people and/or INFJ’s, but I admit that the more I’ve learned to fit in, the less sensitive and aware I am to others intricacies and the more I overlook.

Once I had opportunity to meet some bloggers I loved. I became painfully aware how unimportant I was to them despite words we’d exchanged. It stung. But there have been times when friends or co-workers were tenderly shocked at how much I knew about them, their mannerisms and what feelings were behind them, what the cock of the head meant or did not mean. The only human who has hope of knowing me really is my husband and maybe my kids while they still live at home, but even that seems limited.

I think we all want to be known and loved, and a piece of me as been struggling with these things as of late. I guess that’s one reason why I wanted to seek Jesus so much. I wanted to sit and observe and know Him more. I sense that He is working on releasing me from something new. I’m not even sure what, but I feel a tension in following Him. It is as if I am standing in the middle of the bridge over the canyon, half way to the overlook and beautiful view, but I just want to turn around and go back to my safety zone, feet firmly planted on the ground.

“To be loved but not known is comforting but superficial. To be known and not loved is our greatest fear. But to be fully known and truly loved is, well, a lot like being loved by God. It is what we need more than anything. It liberates us from pretense, humbles us out of our self-righteousness, and fortifies us for any difficulty life can throw at us.” Timothy Keller, The Meaning of Marriage

I haven’t read that book, but I’ve listened to Keller’s sermon on Nakedness and the Holiness of God on March 21, 1993, a few times, wherein he defines being naked and unashamed as being equal to being known and loved. He says that now that sin has entered the world, most of feel like the best we can do is just be loved even if we are not known. We all fear that if we are known, love will cease, or if we are loved, but not known, then are we really loved? But God does both. In grace, He saw our sin and sent Jesus to reconcile us to Him, that we may be rooted in Him and His Love, as well as Known.

I love how David ponders these things in Psalm 139. He starts the chapter with “you have searched me and you know me.” Then he begins to list all the ways God knows him and is with him. Even when he attempts to run and hide, he cannot because God is always there.

Isn’t this what we long for? God’s continual presence and yet, in the Garden, our nakedness became a sense of being unacceptable. There are times when we don’t want even God to know or love us, because we feel unaccepted, incomplete, and broken, weak, frail. We know that these frailties can keep us from wholeness in human relationships, but we let them break fellowship with the Almighty too.

But David at the end of that Psalm says, “Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.”

I would paraphrase it like this: You know my weakest areas, O Lord. See if those caverns of my heart will lead me into places of sin or death. Lead me away into Your way – the way of Eternal Life.

for

“His grace is enough to cover and sustain you. His power is made perfect in weakness.” 2 Co 12:9 (the Voice)