Head for the Rescue Boats

I read more of Anything last night. I titled this post “Head for the Rescue Boats” because that was what I wanted to do as tears streamed down my face as I read Chapter 8. Sometimes I hate books like this one. It is because I am afraid that I gave up God and His calling on my life for a husband and family. This fear that I have screwed it up somehow, God’s call in my life, haunts me, and I wonder if it is the one thing I will carry with me no matter where I go.

The call to ministry and missions has been so strong in my life, but doors have been continuously shut to going overseas, and in the meantime, I’ve filled my life will all manner of ministry to find the thing – whatever it is I am meant to do. Not to mention how down right bad I have been at waiting and how unloving I have sometimes been to Daniel in the process. Grace, thank you, Jesus, for grace. I am lost without it.

Anything is a memoir of how Jennie Allen prayed a simple prayer – Anything, God, anything. She told Him that she was willing to do anything He asked. For some time now, I’ve wanted more, and this book is all about the more.

I picked it up because in my mind I wanted a new anything. I wanted a breakthrough to living the life I’ve tasted and seen – a life totally given to God. Maybe my anything is not missions anymore as I first thought. Goodness – can’t I be thankful for the wonderful roller coaster I’ve been on? If I would stop and think, God has given me so much opportunity to know and love Him more.

But I want more – more God. I am ready to be living in the promised land. I’ve been in the wilderness long enough, and I was hoping that if I joined this prayer of Anything, maybe God would show up, without the same, tired ache for missions. It is not missions I crave, it is the God I’ve tasted when I’ve been on mission. I want God, and I want to be doing whatever He asks me to do.

I was wrecked when I did missions. Every since then, I’ve not wanted my life to be normal. But it mostly is. Except for the part where it is all being turned upside down right now in completely new ways, some of which I’ve not shared here yet.

I don’t want to move to a new house if it keeps me from the more of God. I don’t want a house for a status symbol, or an upgrade in life, but that’s just the thing, isn’t it? Don’t we always give up the thing we crave in order to be filled by the Person we really need? Jesus. My more has been this form of godliness – obvious ministry and missions. For some it is a house. And on it goes.

I will end from a quote from the book:

Surrender may include unconditionally respecting a spouse or family member who is not displaying the form of godliness you crave. This is such a sensitive subject because, as women, our obligations to our husbands and families often make us feel as though our lives are even more out of our control. But part of trusting this God and part of obeying Him is participating in His plan for our relationships. For married women, running ahead of our husbands shows them we don’t need them, shows them they can’t lead us, that we are faster, deeper, and love God more. If you’re married, know that making our husbands feel inferior is no God’s will.

…all of that was building something, making us one, even though at the same time if felt as if parts of us were dying. In reality, they were dying – and that was okay; that was the plan.

…If God is moving in you and calling you to surrender, but your loved ones are not there, love them and wait on God. … Through our radical submission to them, God moves.

This confirms to my spirit that even when I’ve been truly bad at waiting, God’s been working. And while those outside of me might can see that and how He has worked in me during the waiting process, I have not seen it at times, but I see glimpses of it now.