Words run through my mind continuously, wanting to be released and spilled over onto paper and pen or in cry to the Lord. They cause my soul weary restlessness, even though I stare at an empty computer screen day after day unable to put words together for an audience. The restlessness, the fear, the words tumbling over and over in my mind, I recognize as a knock on the door of my heart from the Lord. “Be with me,” He says. “Do not be afraid,” He says.
I sense His presence and I get up out of bed to be with Him, to experience what only He can give. Peace. It does not come quickly. First I sing to Him. I sing, “Hungry, I come to You, For I know You satisfy. I am empty but I know Your love does not run dry. So I wait for You So I wait for You.” He comes to me quickly in the quiet, in the still.
I sit and think of my questions and release them to Him. I release that I am not only restless, but partly sick to my stomach. I do not which came first, my anxiety, or my stomach turning. If the recognition of sicknesses returned has given away to fear or if fear has allowed my insides to churn and rumble. Either way, physically or emotionally, my body seeks quiet. Strangely just the being with Him brings peace. His Word comforts me and I know He has seen my ache. He has quieted me with His love. The answers to my questions are not given, but I know that I am not alone, and that is enough. His grace is indeed sufficient. I go from restless to quiet.
I look down at the book spilled open and see, “He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty” (Psalm 91:1). He promises rest to me. The anxiety and fear have left, and I hope they will not soon return.
I begin to type, and as I go to find, “Restless” by Audrey Assad, my fingers type into the wrong space, and this post by Tanya comes up. How lovely that He would direct me to her post about being restless in the dark.
I listen to Audrey and offer my worship to Him.
you never cease to connect with my heart, my sentiments, so much, jamie. that first paragraph — yet another one that i could truly copy & paste, an expression of my own experience so often. words seeming to spill over in my heart, yet met with a blank stare at a blank screen.
there is a particular slice of life that has left me so very restless the past two weeks. once again, misplaced hope forming a tight fist to cling to dreams of my own finite making. and my soul was startled when, after His mercy offered some circumstancial relief tonight, i felt myself still grasping. grasping for something other than Him. even after He had offered me the precious gift of a tangible reminder that He IS here, He HAS seen my ache, He IS able . . . like you, receiving the peace of His presence didn’t come quickly. but He remained. He began to rest me. and i began to thank Him.the pull in my heart to cling to the tangible “fixes” available for the situation is still a strong one, but indeed, i will be restless ’til i rest in & cling to Him.oh God, i wanna rest in You.