I had a nice piece all written for you, but I really needed to make sure my hubby was okay with it before I shared it, since it was about a conversation we had. He has not read it yet, so this is Plan B for today.
Broken Beauty: I Need a Healer
I told you how I wanted to share some things I’ve been learning from Angie Smith‘s book, “Mended,” so let me tell you a story.
In case you are new here, there was a time when life seemed so very dark to me. I was broken, empty, spent, and I felt as though all hope was gone. Scripture made little sense to me, and I had doubt and unbelief running rampant in my mind.
I could not understand why God did not choose to show me His love for me through people at the time. I had known His love through others, and when He chose a new way, I was devastated.
Over the past 10 or so years, I had to learn a new way. I was lost and lonely and grieved. I gave up hopes and dreams and made peace with the present. But always in the back of my mind, I thought something was wrong with me, that I was sick and needy, and secretly, over and over again, I would pray, “Please heal me Lord. Heal me, Lord. Please, heal me Lord.” I would say these words never knowing why I said them, what exactly I was asking for, but I would pray them always continually when I would yell at my kids, when I would suffer physically and could not use the bathroom, when I would cry longing for more friends, almost any time when I saw my dark me, I would pray, “Heal me.” I was broken – fractured in many pieces.
When I experienced a fresh dose of grace, I felt healed. I had one person tell me that God was telling her that I still needed healing. It made me a little angry, because I already felt so free. But a year and a half later, and she was right.
Have you ever felt like I did? Like you needed healing and did not know why? I would be humbled if you would share your story in the comments. Perhaps your story will touch someone else. Let’s build a community of people: broken being made whole, slaves being set free, and sorrow turned into beauty. Also, I’ll share some of the activities Angie suggests in her book, and I will give away one copy of her book, because maybe you too are in need of some healing grace. Look for more soon.
For now, let’s worship Him together with this song by Hyland, “Beauty in the Broken.”
Sharing with the following beautiful communities: Imperfect Prose, Intentional.me.
Hi Jamie — just found your post over at Imperfect Prose where I just linked up.
To answer your question…ABSOLUTELY…sometimes we are not aware we need more healing until God reveals that to our hearts in His time…Onion Layers…always onion layers! And each day we grow a little more like Him and our hearts get a little better…Keep on sharing your thoughts. All of our thoughts together help us all. I think you might enjoy the post I linked up today. God bless you…
Yes, I love the analogy of onion layers, because it is so true!! I love your encouragement: “All of our thoughts help us all.” so true! I will visit your post soon!
Hi Jamie, I completely understand this and I’ve even felt this way recently! I’m so glad God hears our prayers and knows our hearts fully! Even when we don’t understand what’s going on inside… He knows how to heal to completion. Love you, friend!
I read recently, I think at my friend Tanya’s Truth in Weakness blog that the heart is deceitful and we can never fully understand it. I need to reread her post and mull it over some more, but I was reminded of it because you reiterated her message. So only He can heal us and make our hearts right. And sometimes it is a long long process. I guess it takes a lifetime. I guess any healing is better than never getting on the journey toward healing with Him. I’ve at times taken His work for granted because I wanted it to be faster. Blessings to you sweet friend!
An area of healing I received was thru a painful situation that I never thought would result in healing; I thought it would break me! The Lord used a painful, dysfunctional relationship with a broken young man to show me that he mirrored to me really how I saw myself as – ugly, foolish, not worth much. I came from a home where I picked up these ideas about myself from also broken people. I carried these feelings for so long that they were a heavy burden, yet I was not even aware of them. Even once I became a believer, I still thought this way of myself. I was in such pain and confusion. One day, on my knees I asked the Lord to help me. I opened the word and read Ps 139. It was His word to me so powerful and loud, especially the part where it said, “I will give thanks for I am fearfully and wonderfully made (really? not me, Lord) and my soul KNOWS IT VERY WELL.” I knew the problem was that my soul did NOT know it very well. I cried and cried and got up with a prayer asking Him to help me know it very well. After that, every time I caught myself with negative, berating thoughts or fears about why I was faulty or not worthy to be loved, I repeated that part of Ps 139 and gave Him thanks for how He made me and who He made me to be. In time, it became so part of me, my truth. I cannot see myself that way any longer, and it has brought such freedom to my soul and opened a door to love and worship the Lord that I never knew before in my early Christian life. Since then, He has brought about healings in other areas and is still doing so! As I go thru the difficulties of today, it so helps me to remember that when I was in darkness in the past, He brought me to the light of His truth, to His beauty and mine, the one He created, and I give thanks and know that He is doing something that will amaze me, and will help me help others to see thru to the light out of their own dark places. He is so very very good and you can trust Him no matter how things look right now!!
Maria,
I am beyond blessed that you stopped by and shared this beautiful testimony with us today. I can relate to every part of your story. I feel like it has taken me so long to learn some of the things you mentioned, but I am thankful for the journey – all of it, the pain and the healing. Thank you for touching me today with your story.
several years ago whenever i’d be in church & we’d sing that song w/ the line,
“You give the healing & grace our
hearts always hunger for,”
the tears would inevitably come, & the singing would inevitably fade, as a result. and that was all *before* my health crash. i was keenly aware of some areas where i was desperately longing for healing, yet at the same time likely unaware of places that i didn’t even know needed healing.
and now, two years of walking (or crawling) through a health ordeal, i find myself asking for less healing on the tangible fronts like the physical & circumstantial of life. the Lord is tenderly beckoning me to lift my eyes up to the Healer, even above the healing. and it seems that in doing so, there i will continue to find healing for my soul. (yes, whether i understand the mess of my heart or not.)
and oh my YES does it ever feel like a life-long process! i hear ya on the impatient part. but somebody mentioned to me the other day that we wouldn’t be able to handle it all at once. and i think she’s right. i think the timing is always for our good. whether it “feels” like it or not, we choose to trust that it is.
Only a short time I would not have been able to say that I’m glad it is a process, but today I am, even as impatient as I am, I am learning to find beauty in the process. The timing is always for our good, certain times it “feels” more so than others.
same here. just a matter of weeks ago, i was in “ready mode” for the healing, the instant-gratification kind. and He’s been so gracious as to encourage me to “lean into” the process (that phrase still sticking w/ me from the b. brown clip that you shared).
“learning to find beauty in the process” — love that. may it be true of me as well.
Thanks for sharing that you find yourself “asking for less healing on the tangible fronts like the physical & circumstantial of life.” You’ve reminded me of how I would always think I was not worthy of being Healed, and yet even in the darkness of thinking such as that, He was healing me. The reason why you spurred that thought is that I thought I needed to be physically sick to be healed. Crazy, right?
nope! perfectly logical, not crazy.
God’s the gloriously illogical one in all of it.
Dear Jaime,
Thank you for sharing your struggle as you will encourage others to let them know that they are not alone. Here is a post that talks about where I was 10 years ago…not in great detail but enough to let you know it was a very hard and dark time http://soulstops.com/post/2012/11/12/Alphabet-of-Thanks-Series-A-for-Always.aspx
A few days ago, I was reading a devotional and the author compared our healing journey to an archeological dig or “tell”…it is one layer after another, and I have found that to be true in my own life…God is gracious, because as look back, it would be too overwhelming to have to deal with it all at once.
Praying God continues to hold you and comfort you as He continues to make beauty out of your brokenness as you shine forth His love to others…Hugs to you, Jaime 🙂
Sweet Dolly!
I love that analogy – an archeological dig! Thank you for sharing your post – so relevant to the dark I’ve been in and felt, and as you described the main thing I learned was that He was always there and I was never alone. How alone I felt, but my feelings were not reality. Thank you for your prayers! Hugs to you, friend!
Yes, I can relate to praying and praying and praying. Then feeling frustrated when a friend said keep on praying for this same thing And it turned out that she was right. I am so thankful, though, for those times. It really deepened faith in new ways. And though the last few years have been HARD in circumstance, I have had a bit more solid ground to stand upon in my relationship with Him. And the difficult circumstances aren’t nearly as hard as shaky faith.
I feel like the walking wounded one some days. My thoughts run rampant and align themselves with doubt, worry and untruth. I am thankful for God’s continual healing in my life. I am learning to embrace it as I walk it out. Even at my age, there is so much more healing that comes!
jamie, first of all, i really admire that you didn`t run the other post until you let your husband read it. what a blessing you are to him. and i love your transparency in this post. thank you for being so real. it is refreshing… i appreciate you linking up with imperfect prose! have a wonderful weekend. e.