Against the Current

Recently I read in “The Writing Life” by Annie Dillard, a story about a man who rows out to get a log, and while he has rowed out, the tide catches him, and for a while, he must row against the current. The tide changes in the middle of the night, and he rows with the current and makes it home. Annie is talking to her writer friend, and he says,

“You asked how my work is going,” he said. “That’s how it’s going. The current’s got me. Feels like I’m about in the middle of the channel now. I just keep at it. I just keep hoping the tide will turn and bring me in.”

The last fifteen years of my life have felt this way, like I am rowing against the current, and I am tired and weary of doing the same thing over and over again with seemingly no change. I am weary of crucifying dreams day in and day out. Yesterday, I thought about putting the oars down and letting the tide and current take me where it takes me – lost at sea, instead of the destination I want to go. My hope was frail, and I didn’t know if I wanted to hope anymore. The signs were there to give me hope, but instead they made me angry. I became more like a tempest on the sea, and I needed Jesus to come and calm the storm within.

Days like yesterday are when I know grace is really real, because I cannot imagine anyone wanting me when I am so weak and frail and dare I say it, lost. I’ve only ever known Jesus to keep on loving me in the storm.

I had this low only a few days after I’d written about being on fire. And so you may be wondering why that is and why I am writing at all. I need you to know that sometimes we are surprised by storms and the water comes and threatens to douse our fires, but we must not let the light out. The Holy Spirit won’t let it out, but we must be protectors of it too.

I need also to say that today may be a stormy day for you. You may experience surprises, hope turned angry, and threat of losing the fire, even while it rages. There is only one cure – Jesus, Jesus, Jesus. Never let go and never stop fixing your eyes on His beautiful ones. They calm even the most tempestuous storms.

There are days like yesterday when I want to give up; I want to stop believing, but believing is the only cure, and so I must pray that Jesus helps me with my unbelief and prays for it even when I am unable to utter the words or believe or have the faith necessary. Why? Because His heart is ever stayed on mine, no matter what storms rage within.

Today I urge you to keep rowing against the current, whatever that means for you. You are on your way home. To stop rowing is to be lost at sea, so keep at it. You and I will get there eventually. Sometime soon, the tide will change, and the current will carry us home.