Held Captive by Fear

photo credit: Matti Mattila

The room was small. Closet small. Six feet by eight feet. The funny thing is that I was inside the room, and I couldn’t see any way to enter or exit. Just me and the barren walls I’d built time and time again. The first time I’d entered this room, I’d done it for safety. It was a place to hide and escape, and the door to come inside was hidden to others. I had a way out, but the more I listened to the self-destructive voices, I stopped entering and exiting and began to stay longer in the room. Over time, I stayed inside and began building more walls, and before I knew it, I’d built a wall over the exit, and I was trapped inside the cell, left to my own devices. The room began closing in on me, as I took fear, hopelessness, frustration, and lack of self-worth and placed them brick by brick round and round the room over and over again. I’d created my own cell and the labor had grown grueling. I was tired, hungry, weak, and waiting for hope to rescue me.

One morning I woke up and saw bread and water, and I ate and drank. I marveled at its appearance. Later the same day, after waking from a nap, I saw in my lap a pair of glasses. I put them on, but the room only looked as though it had become partly translucent and I was confused and took them off. The next morning, again, there was bread and water, and I ate and drank. By this time, I sat in my cell and didn’t feel like building anymore. I put the glasses on again, and again it looked as though I was seeing through the walls. This time I spied a hammer and a pillow. I put the pillow under my head and lay down. I fell into a deep restful sleep. When I awoke, I found the bread and water and even some cheese. The cheese was melt-in-your-mouth buttery and luxuriously delicious. I remembered that I needed to save some back for the rest of the day, and then I took the hammer and began breaking the bricks I built up in the room. I took a rest and put the glasses on – not only was the wall translucent, I could see words written on each brick. Each brick had one thing in common. All of them had the word, “fear,” written on them each one naming specific fears. Just seeing the word quickened my heart beat, and I decided to stop for the day. I grew heavy and afraid. I was held captive by fear.

I laid my head on the pillow and looked around the room. I thought about placing more bricks to replace the ones I’d tried to destroy – I felt it was fear keeping me safe, but instead I fell asleep. The next morning the mess I’d made breaking bricks was gone, and several bricks I’d built had been removed as well. Again, I found bread, water, and cheese, and I ate and was satisfied. I thought about fear. I remembered one thing, “For I did not give you a spirit of fear, but of power, of love, and of self-control.” If He had not given me fear, why was I so bound and lost in this place? Somehow I felt motivated to break more bricks, and so I did. As usual, when I stopped I tried on the glasses. This time I could see a key underneath one of the far bricks. I was motivated to get to it, so I kept breaking them.

I stopped for the night with much of the walls I’d self built removed. I thought about fear as I drifted away. This time I remembered, “Fear not, for I am with you.” In the morning, again I found bread, water, cheese, and some grapes. The room was again clean and it was becoming bigger, wider, and more spacious as I removed the bricks of fear. The room was now big enough for a chair and a bed. Again I placed the glasses on and saw once again the key I had not reached yet and in the process of looking, I saw a blanket I had not seen before. I still had a pillow, now a blanket, glasses, and each day – new food, and a hammer.

The day had finally come – the day when I would be able to reach the key. The bricks of fear were almost gone. And I would be able to exit. The key was not going to unlock the door. I knew that already. If the bricks were not there, I could go and come as I pleased, so the key was a mystery. In order to get the key I had to break all the bricks. Day after day as bricks were broken, I could see more and more work was accomplished in the night as I slept. Before I got to the day’s work, I placed on the glasses. For days now, I had seen nothing new. But this day, the day of my release and freedom, I did. I saw in the corner, a man face down on the floor praying. As my gaze fell on Him, He lifted His head, and His eyes met mine. In an instant, He was by my side, and I was hugging him as He wrapped His loving arms around me. The tears fell fresh, and no words were said. He removed the last of the bricks, and I glanced at Him, took the glasses off, and grabbed the key.

I turned and He was gone, and when I placed the glasses back on, I could know longer see Him, but I could sense that He was still beside me, opening the door for me. When I got outside of the room, I was surprised to see how much life had happened while I was held captive. The key came with me, and for the first time, I saw a lock on the door. I knew I was meant to lock the door behind me so that I never allowed fear to hold me captive again. I turned it, feeling a slight trepidation, and the door and the key were gone. He brought me out to set me free and give me a new life to live.