A Story of Pride and Grace

So, where do I start?

I started using essential oils a few months ago. I am not a fanatic like most of the people I know who use them, so I haven’t mentioned them here yet. And this was NOT the way I was going to do it. I was totally going to tell you why they were so fantastic, but then this thing happened.

This is not the beginning. Let’s see…

The beginning goes back to the 31 day series where God began showing me the idol of self, and October began to show me how hard this shmita would be because when I signed up for shmita, I thought “easy, no service”, not “I think I’ll jump in the refining fire of God today.”

But so far, God keeps repeating to me that I have a pride issue, that I need to “bend low” and in other words, “get over the dang pride, girl.”

Really, I have to get over myself? Sigh.

As if trying to balance the Christian pendulum that says on one day “you are good enough” with the other swing that says “you’ll never be good enough – that’s why Jesus died dude” wasn’t confusing enough. Now I have to figure out how to make myself less so He can become great all the while trying to build some sort of platform. It has made me want to quit writing altogether.

Because I feel so small already.

And bending lower is not my idea of fun.

And I really want this blogging thing to work out.

But how will it if I give it up?

Since taking a service break, I’ve seen one girl fill in the gap, and do it with no less than the highest praise and words that people love to read. To be honest, my pride and my heart took a beating with it. Can I be simultaneously joyful that she is doing well and jealous that I am not her at the moment? No, I guess not.

And then we come back to essential oils. I have had an on again off again relationship with them. On and then my rosacea flares up and then I stop and go off. After deciding to give them another try in October, I made a pinterest board for different essential oil things I wanted to try or do or liked the idea of. And that’s when I learned what it would be like if I ever had a blog post go viral, because one of my pins did.

Let’s not forget that I was hoping to sell essential oils and make some sort of profit from them. I wanted to give all the proceeds to charity – to the Make Initiative at church or Sole Hope or Compassion. I wanted some extra God money. But alas, I’ve not sold a single kit nor made any profit. You may as well say, “they are dead to me in this regard,” as clearly I am not passionate about the oils everyone loves.

But everyday for numerous days people pinned my pin, and everyday for numerous days, a steady two and a half weeks I would guess, I watched people pin and repin the pin I’d found. I received a notification about it every day for 18+ days. People began to follow me and my board (even though I didn’t write the post).

Watching this made me want to kick oils in the face. It felt like they were saying with every pin, “you’ll never be a success,” rubbing salt in the wound.

Never once has anything like that ever happened to me or a blog post of mine. And boy did that make me bend low.

In the middle of the viral pin, I went to Allume, the christian blog conference, and I heard Ann Voskamp speak. I know her message spoke to many people in the room, but it felt like a message directly to me. She said that normally getting a virus is not something one wants to do.

Yet I was feeling jealous for a virus.

• I want others to “like” and love my blog posts on facebook, with a big kudos to me.
• I want to receive comments that my blog post was a rock star.
• I want a book deal.
• I want people to think something I’ve written is great, because then the platform will grow, and ministry will expand, right?

Apparently, this is not the way things work in God’s economy. People pleasing is a hard habit to break, and words of affirmation are good to hear. But it is not about me. Death to me.

I haven’t written take aways about Allume because the main take away was “I was too busy thinking about myself to notice those around me much of the time.”

John 3:27 says, “A person can receive only what is given them from Heaven.”

Currently I’m receiving a lot of awareness of my stupid sin, but it’s killing the pride in me.

Because somehow, someway, He must become greater and I must become less. (John 3:30). Even while He keeps calling me to do this writing thing.

I keep thinking of quitting, but the most precious thing keeps happening.

He makes me aware of pride, but I just don’t know what exactly to do about it. I asked Him, “What can you do with pride with a name like Jamie, which means, “supplanter, deceiver, manipulator?” I mean I will keep living up to my name. I mumbled some words small. As I was quiet, I heard in my spirit, “Isaiah 62.” When I went to read it, guess what it said? Read the whole thing sometime, but here’s a portion,

you will be called by a new name
that the mouth of the Lord will bestow.
You will be a crown of splendor in the Lord’s hand,
a royal diadem in the hand of your God.
No longer will they call you Deserted,
or name your land Desolate.
But you will be called Hephzibah,
and your land Beulah;
for the Lord will take delight in you,
and your land will be married. (verses 2-4)

There are other things, like when Maria from New York emails me back and tells me words of encouragement from the Lord. She does it just because she loves me and no other reason, and she is my encourager and friend, and it never fails, that her words always come when I need them the most.

Or when I get an email from my friend Carrie to check on me and she doesn’t know about the pride because I’m too chicken to call somebody up and begin a discussion about this fretful thing, but she asks me anyway.

Or when a friend I haven’t spoken to in years sends me a message that says, “call me” and when I do, she proceeds to tell me how she’s prayed for me and she speaks words of confirmation over broken and dying dreams, words that come at a time when only God could have known how to piece together details that she did.

See – Maria, Carrie, and my other friend, they know what it is like to live a life of He who is Greater. They are supernovas, living a life unjealous of viruses – jealous and zealous only for the healthy I AM: Father, Jesus, Spirit – three.

I hope that’ll be me someday. Right now, sometimes I’m not sure when what I’m doing is for me or for Him.

Only when my gaze is fixed upon His face. Then, it’s easy to know. Only Jesus, jealous for Jesus, not a virus.

God’s message to me during this season is not a feel good message. No – instead it is one of tearing down Asherah poles, and the days feel like I am swimming in refining fire sometimes. Sometimes I do feel guilty, and sometimes, I do feel shame, and sometimes I do wonder how this sin will be removed. I don’t feel “good enough,” and I know apart from Jesus I am not good. I am aware that there is no condemnation in Christ, but the hard is what I feel.

Maybe you know what I am talking about, and God’s sin removal is relentless in your life. Maybe, you like me, know that there are days when you feel like throwing the towel in and giving up because gosh, being refined is hard. No two ways about it. Being confronted with sin – hard. Tucked away perhaps in the midst of all the hard is a piece of grace. Never underestimate that He knows what you need – the gory of facing yourself and the beautiful grace, both the work of the cross.

Linking with these beautiful ladies: Michelle DeRusha, Laura Boggess, Ann Voskamp, Jennifer Lee, Jen Ferguson, and Emily Wierenga.