It is late on Tuesday night and heading into Wednesday morning as I am writing to you. I cannot sleep – I am wide awake with all the feeling.
in which i must tell you how “image” feels
Something about yesterday’s post (what is a graven image?), (which if you are an email subscriber, you will be reading today) felt so vulnerable. And I am not sure what or why, but I feel a little splayed open and vulnerable. As if I have cut out my beating heart and left it here not knowing what you will do with it.
It is a lot of things really – God is doing something deep and new and something so unfamiliar in me in this season with all I have felt about church and all the transitions, that I feel like an island, alone. I was sending a fellow blogger/writer a note, and it was if I realized it for the first time. I’ve never been one of the cool kids – I feel like connection is hard for me, and during this time of unfamiliar territory and newness of work in me, I am afraid of getting lost, like a little girl at Disney World in a sea of faces, especially with whatever He is doing in me that I can’t seem to quite put into words. We (He and I) are journeying together, but I do not know the destination. I guess that is faith. Walking without seeing.
In a few weeks, I am going to go to the Allume conference, which is a Christian blog conference. Though I went last year, I still feel like a newbie, and by no stretch of the imagination would anyone call me a cool blogging kid. I am a small fish in a big pond, and last year, I felt so small. I am afraid of facing my smallness again, of going and not connecting, but most of all, of not being seen. If I am honest, perhaps that’s why I feel vulnerable tonight – I wonder if I am seen.
Yet, I know I am seen. I was so excited to catch a ride with some fellow Alabama women, and last week, they canceled on me. I was heartbroken. Honestly, I was hoping that I did not have to go alone this year. Then today, I got an email from another blogger asking for a ride, and I felt like it was God saying, “I see you.”
Whatever God is doing in me during this awkward time is fostering in me a sense of desire to serve, to do justice, not just know what I believe, but live it. Today was another way He nudged me and said, “I see you,” by allowing me to tour a local ministry with a vision for service like the one He’s growing in me for church. Not only that, but I got to better know a friend in the process, which is always a gift. So many times, I run ahead and try to make God’s plan come to pass, but this time, I can only trust Him in the progress we make together. There is no way to run ahead if you don’t have the map.
What this has to do with image is that even though I am me, and I look at myself in God’s mirror, I still catch glimpses of myself in the world’s mirror. When we look in the world’s view, it is easy to feel less than and like you must do more to be more. Even in the right mirror, it is easy to see all the other gifts He has given all the other people and covet them like everything, especially when we are unsure of our own specific gifts and callings.
You see how easy it would be for me to pretend to be fine and keep on blogging the next topic? To pretend that tears did not come and that my spirit did not feel quiet or interrupted? To pretend like I am a grownup who does not at all care whether I fit in or not, when I do? That would be a graven image. dead. false. How easy it is to go from being seen in His mirror to being insecure in the world’s mirror, where size matters and I will never measure up! I have done a lot to remove human approval from places on high, but at times, like tonight, I still see those faces I’ve carved up there on the shelf, with me looking for their acceptance, but those idols can never save me.
Jesus is the only one who Saves. When He calls me, I forget the world around me because we are two lovers and He woos me. We walk side by side, and as I gaze into His eyes, He shows me my true self. When I know Whose I am, I know who I am.
How can you share your authentic self today? What can you do today to fix your eyes on His?
I have been through a season just like you Jamie. My season was filled with loneliness, I felt ugly, unwanted, unseen, and friendless. I remember reading about Hagar in the desert and I just sobbed. I felt just like her! I realized that El Roi (the God who sees) did indeed see me. From that moment on, I felt yes He saw me in all my yuck, in all my craziness, in all my depravity and wanted me. He wanted me so much that He was changing me….into His image or the image that He had planned for me. He broke my heart for orphans, for vulnerable children,and for the voiceless. During the process, I have met new friends, became part of several groups that I feel honestly miss me when I am not there! Hang on sweet friend, buckle up, it will be a wild ride…..YOU are going places. Maybe not a new physical place but, God is taking you somewhere. He has already gone before you, made the reservations, planned your tour and He is just waiting for your arrival (while He takes you there as well). Take notes on where you are now, the route He planned, and your destination. The trip may be hard but, when you see where He takes you, it might explain the why. As HG incorrectly mimics Susan (what we call our GPS) you have arrived at your destiny….you are getting there.
I love you, sweet friend, and I thank God for you. Your words bless me so deeply this morning.