How to Know God and Find Hope in Sex Life

The desire for sex waxes and wanes during different seasons of marital life. From the newly-wed phase, where sex is exciting and thrilling to the new mom phase, where sex is a chore, sex is a vital part of marriage. Who gets married and then doesn’t participate in it? In the Bible, Paul even admonishes people to marry so that they do not burn with passion and desire.

I come from a background where sex seemed like not such a good thing. I would love for you to read the post I wrote, “Biblical Worship and Submission in the Bedroom.” For various reasons, sex was perverted to me. But God has brought a lot of healing to me in this area in the two years since I wrote that post. I couldn’t even really read Christian resources on sex because it was painful. The truth was that I was angry that God created something that to me was so invasive and perverse as a part of marriage. Thoughts like that did not make pleasing my husband easy at times. Although I had a lot of desire for my husband  when I was first married, let’s face it, sex does not necessarily come easy just because desire exists. It is like a fine wine or aged cheese (pardon the bad analogy) because it improves over time.

I was exposed to pornography as a teenager or around my early 20’s because my dad had an addiction, and various materials were hidden all over our house. The women in my family believed that pornography was a part of manhood and was not sinful. Lies were perpetuated from generation to generation. I could not see how something so twisted was good or honorable. In a way the women knew this too, because they helped keep it secret and hidden. But I need to state this clearly, pornography is a sin.

My sister and I stumbled upon some of dad’s materials accidentally, and it left a scar. A scar that I did not know would affect me after I married. You know how to the pure, all things are pure, well, I was not pure in this area as a result of the things I found, and so the purity of sex was taken from me. That’s why sex became perverse in my mind. I asked God many times why He created such a dirty thing. But two or three years ago, God began the healing even before I knew how to ask for it.

Writing the blog post I mentioned above brought a lot of healing. Listening to my girl friends at the time say things like sex was taught to me as “dirty” but now I see how “perfect” it is within marriage brought healing. Those women (you know who you are if you still read) aided me in ways they never knew or imagined. But it was the following year when I began reading a book that had nothing to do with sex and everything to do with God that sex became a thing of exquisite beauty.

What book? Ann Voskamp‘s “One Thousand Gifts.” Most of you know that Ann strings together words in a way that take one’s breath away and make you long for more. The topic of her book as most of you know is counting your blessings and communing with Christ. In the final chapters of the book, however, communion begats union, and I found myself reading these words as she describes how our God woos her while in Paris:

This feeling. I remember this feeling. The way my apron billowed in the running, the light, the air. The harvest moon. I remember. The yearning. To merge with Beauty Himself. But here…now? Really? With Him utterly pure and me so soul ugly? I hold the side of my skirt in fingers clenched tight, Linda and I walking along the Seine in the warmth of June twilight. I am not at all certain I want consummation.

and then at the Louvre, she shares this, and as I read, I try not to blush:

God, He has blessed – caressed.

I could bless God – caress with thanks.

It’s our making love.

God makes love with grace upon grace, every moment a making of His love for us. And He invites the turning over of the hand, the opening and saying the Yes with thanks. Then God lays down all of His fullness into all the emptiness. I am in Him. He is in me. I embrace God in the moment. I give Him thanks and I bless God and we meet and couldn’t I make love to God, making every moment love for Him? To know Him the way Adam knew Eve. Spirit skin to spirit skin.

and this, as I read I am completely red-faced:

I raise my hand slightly, finger imperceptibly the air before the canvas and this is intercourse disrobed of its connotations, pure and unadulterated: a passing between. A connection, a communicating, an exchange, between tender Bridegroom and His bride.

The intercourse of soul with God is the climax of joy.

The scrolling gold frame holds what I long for and I feel this burn too, flush of embarrassment up the face. And yet…we’re called to do more than believe in God; we’re called to live in God. To enter into Christ and Christ enter into us – to cohabit.

She says, He invites us to “Enjoy Me [God].” Very simply God purified the ugly and perverse in me through the lovely words written by Ann, and I began to enjoy both Him and my husband once again through this physical act of worship.

I wanted to love God with all my heart and soul and I wanted to make love to Him, and make love to my husband because we are an example of His love of the church. Quite frankly, God is always in the bedroom when I make love to my husband. He purifies and sets me free, and sex has been redeemed and made pure, as it was intended to be. Sex is a gift, a treasure.

Father God, there are women today reading this who struggle with the perversity of sex, just like I did. Maybe pornography is in their home. Maybe they had an affair. Maybe they did not wait to have sex. Maybe they were abused or maybe sex was forced on them or from them. I do not know what pains lay hidden. Maybe sex has been made impure to them in some way. I don’t know what lingers in their thoughts. I don’t know in what ways they need your healing touch today, but I pray that every eye who reads these words who has need would be made whole again. I pray that each one would be set free in order to fully love themselves, their husbands, and you. Give patience to every husband who waits on you to bring this healing. And Lord, may your healing come swiftly, but in your will. Lead each precious woman to materials and resources that will help them. Lord, let our words on sex not hurt or hinder any who read, but let them be set free from the burden and pains of the past. Thank you for your infinite, unfathomable love. Thank you for creating sex, for physical intimacy with our husbands, that we may have oneness at least for a moment with another. You create all things good, and I pray that each woman can join me in saying those words back to you at some point.

For any who visit here, man or woman who struggle with the addiction of porn, break its stronghold in a mighty way. Lord, there is  no condemnation for those in Christ. Help them to confess their secret to just one because the truth sets free. If we are your children, you’ve covered our shame, so help us profess the truth of our sin so that it no longer holds us back. In the precious name of Jesus, Amen.

Remember to visit these lovely ladies to read their thoughts: Emily, Monica, Kelly, and Kayse

Because I couldn’t fit it all into one post, come back tomorrow to read more thoughts. Let’s talk about sex, baby!

For more on the topic of intimacy with God and Ann Voskamp’s controversial chapter, check out this page.