An Old Wrestling Revisited

Sometimes the self-centered narcissistic side of me thinks that I am like Truman of The Truman Show and that everyone in all of the world is watching my life.  The secret, the mundane, the ugly.  Sometimes, the coincidences and things shared seem too timely.  The way life picks up and starts over again too perfect, too neat.  Even followed by commercials for various products from the supporting cast.  Yet I know that I am not secretly on the world’s greatest reality show simply because the paparazzi do not follow me.

I know that I am not the only one who has thoughts like these though the enemy would have me think so, but I see evidence of others thinking the world is all about them too.  This is reflective of how I want to be important, to accomplish big things, even though most days I feel so very small.  I think if I accomplish something BIG, I will have value.  The problem is as long as I am trying to be big, I make myself smaller.  My value becomes lost in the wrong places.  And truly, I am glad that I am not on a TV show the world watches and that you only see the secret places I choose to reveal to you.

My husband was flipping channels the other night, and every now and then he would stop on the channel playing Braveheart.  It was the part of the movie where Mel Gibson’s character secretly marries the love of his life.  Afterwards, His eyes stay on her as she moves around camp.  His eyes are piercing her, and as though she feels him watching her, she turns and meets his gaze on her, and they share secret whispers.  I find scenes like this a little hokey, but in reality, we all want someone to stare at us, gaze on us as if we are lovely, and feel important to someone.  And even though all of the world does not watch me on the greatest reality show ever, there is One who never takes His eyes off of me.  And He never takes His eyes off of you.  I don’t know how He accomplishes that, but because He is God, He does.  To God, I am more important than a pawn in a reality show.  He watches with eyes like Mel Gibson’s, full of love and wonder.  And my eyes should show the same to Him.

As such it could be easy for me to make this blog and “ministry to others” more important that it needs to be.  It could become a “god” to me in my desire to be bigger than I am, like becoming a reality show icon.  If I’m not careful, I could stop focusing on what is important, what sometimes feel mundane.  It is the mundane tasks that are of utmost importance.  If I cannot be trusted with them, I cannot be trusted with the BIG.  I must preach to myself that everything I do is for His glory.  I must die and He must live in me.  I must look to Him for worth and let His worth define the “mundane.”

It could be easy to stop believing what God has said to me specifically and “help” Him out a little.  It is a lonely road to walk when you realize that others simply do not believe in the vision you’ve been given, even people close to you.  Yet, I can look at Scripture and see that the same could be said of Abraham (who did try to help God out a little and along came Ishmael), Jacob, Rahab, David, and many others.  I can think of friends who’ve been given BIG visions by God, impossible unbelievable visions, and it is easy to feel alone in the waiting or in the not really knowing how the vision will ultimately play out.

I felt God ask me to write a study on Ephesians and now my church is will be in Ephesians for 7 months, which I am very excited about, but I’m not sure women will want to study it again afterwards, and the “plan” was for me to teach it later.  I know He still has purpose in it somehow.  So I’ve decided to share some of my study notes and things I’m learning here, which will keep my eye and focus on Him, not me.  🙂

For now, I will leave you will this song: